the only way out is through

ramblings on a less social lifestyle and starting over in your mid-30s

as promised, a thought piece. a post without any links. i’m just in the mood to overshare. writing has always been my first choice of emotional outlet. i have a college degree in journalism and have written two penguin random house published books — so i guess it’s time to put my skills to use again.

i’ve entered a totally new season of my life. a new home. a new city (kind of). a new-ish career path, alongside growing dulan. new love. and i couldn’t be happier. i’m learning to do things that bring me joy and i’m finding new things that bring me joy. we hear about practicing joy all the time, but it’s a lot harder than i realized. i’m also relearning how to let go. what once brought me joy may not longer serve me, and that’s a good thing.

after my mom died in january 2020, i shared a lot about my grief journey on instagram. i shared a lot about my upbringing and the honest struggle i had with my first generation taiwanese american identity as a child and teen in orange county, california. the openness in sharing opened the door to so much deep and meaningful conversation. i felt so invigorated by small connections here and there. then in 2023, i started caring about what other people thought. there’s a list of reasons why i shut down, but essentially, i got insecure. so i lowered my voice, pulled back, and took a backseat.

i’m officially out of that dark hole, thank god. i’m back to the place where i know that talking about my experiences vulnerably almost always positively resonates with someone out there. two main themes i shared publicly from this summer that really connected with you: 1] a less social life and 2] breakups in your 30s (and moving on). for me, the two were interwoven.

over the summer, i talked about having a cutesy friday night where i had an early dinner and was home by 9pm and in bed. i was surprised at how many women responded to this as their perfect night. sometimes i forget life exists beyond my silly la / new york bubble. what we see through the lens of everyone’s instagram — the packed restaurants in new york, the parties in la, the rosé lunches in paros — are snippets (and not always all it’s cracked up to be). it’s not ‘what everyone’s doing’ even though we make ourselves believe that. when i look to my very best friends, they spend most nights at home with their families. or have coffee at home on weekend mornings. or go on a family farmers market run. and i realized that’s the lifestyle i’m craving right now.

i recently saw an influencer share a story that i know for fact was total bs but helped romanticize their life story and it was the final straw for me. the fakeness really struck a cord and it makes me sad to think of how often we try to keep up with appearances. my point is: we are overstimulated with internet personality’s whereabouts, the hundreds of brand events every.single.night, but what about sitting at home alone?

i say this from experience, because that was me. i had my moment when i never sat still. i was globetrotting around the world like it was normal. i can hardly remember a friday night where i sat at home. this party, that restaurant, this city, that event. last winter i went to three parties in one night and brought three outfit changes in a tote bag. for years, i filled up my calendar so i could avoid being alone. it was wildly fun for a bit, but damn, turns out was running away from my own sadness — and, i’m a total homebody.

the truth is that in the last couple of years, i was in a really bad place. it’s when my hair started falling out, i was riddled with anxiety, i started taking antidepressants (briefly and stopped), and even went to the hoffman process (best week ever) to try to ‘fix’ myself. i blamed myself for my relationship not working at the time. i was in a cyclical phase of sadness and depression, but more afraid of being alone than ending something that wasn’t right.

i have been so hesitant on sharing any of this, but after the most healing summers of my life, i was reminded that heartbreak is universal. we have all felt heartbreak and the residual effects of it. how it tears us apart. how it leads us to rebuilding to ourselves to become better than before. true healing is sitting in the discomfort. the deep sadness, loss, and pain. it’s learning to let go. it’s relearning how to be happy alone. we all want someone to talk to. i’m lucky enough to have the best girlfriends in the world, but as i grow older, i’ve learned that not every thought that crosses my mind needs to be said to my besties. i can sit and process it without acting.

i post clothes and home shit on my instagram all day long, but i hadn’t addressed the reality of my life behind the scenes. my reality was living out of my suitcase, storing random shit across 5 different bffs and my brother’s homes, and filling up an entire storage unit. then being afraid to go to the storage unit alone to get things (public storage buildings are creepy!!), but thank god my ride or die marly came with me.

look, starting over is terrifying. we settle out of fear. we resist change out of fear. we ignore feelings out of fear. the courage to push through is the hardest part (and the weeks following). but i’ve always believed that the universe will never give you something you can’t handle. i’ve learned that a lot of our ‘acting out’ actually comes from sadness. when my therapist and i go deep into our somatic work together, it all stems back to sadness. sadness of missing my mom. sadness of the good times in relationships. and processing it means having to face it, BE sad, and move through it. i cried a lot this summer. moments i never thought i’d get through. midday naps because i simply didn’t have the energy. and now… i am the happiest i’ve been in years.

a few months ago, i never thought i’d be at peace in LA ‘doing nothing.’ and here i am — grounded, peaceful, happier than ever. i moved to pasadena where everything is lovely and quaint. it’s not in the scene. i can grow a garden and stroll my neighborhood in peace. i can sleep with my windows open, hear the fountain in my backyard, and the owls hooting in the trees. i have always wanted to live here, in my dreams always with a husband and children, then i thought: why wait? life is too short to wait and wonder. i learned that i am the only one who will make my dreams come true.

over the last two years i was convinced that staying home alone meant i was lame. now i’m realizing it’s a gift. i don’t have kids yet and i am savoring this sweet time before i turn pages to the next chapter. now i realize that my fear of people thinking: “what a loser for staying home” are most likely from people who don’t know how to sit at home alone. and now that i’ve gotten to the other side, i’m laughing at myself. because… WHO CARES.

here’s the kicker. i don’t own a TV. everyone asks what i do at night and i’m really quite simple. i cook, sometimes i listen to a podcast, i eat, clean, shower, read and go to fucking sleep!

i will share more *shopping* related things in the coming weeks, and perhaps becoming a bit more social (probably not lol), but this is why i’ve been quiet since moving into my new house. i’ve been laying low, healing my nervous system, nourishing myself with downtime, home cooked meals, and only spending time with my very most loved ones.

so, while everyone ramps up for the holidays, i am taking it easy this year. i’m not hosting any parties (i say that now), i’m curling up with my loved ones by the fireplace, cooking everything decadent i can think of, and not traveling during the chaos. i am going to simply enjoy the beautiful home and life that i have right in front of me, right here. i’m tired from the years and years of escaping my pain. what an amazing feeling to not chase it all. there is so much joy in moving forward and thanking the past for its lessons. my healing journey continues, but i know i have honored and nourished myself so deeply these last few months.

i share this in hopes this makes at least one person feel heard. there is no shame in relationships ending. and relaxing at home is a gift. the saying goes: “the only way out, is through” and i could not believe in that more. there’s no way around a storm.

a closing thought: it’s never too late to start over. it’s always brighter on the other side. recognizing your self worth and truly loving yourself will lead you to great, beautiful things. it certainly has for me :)

love, Cat

a few scenes from home <3